I write to share.

I write to teach.

I write to help me sort out my thoughts and emotions.

I write to vent about the inhumanity and injustices found in our species.

I write in the hopes that my thoughts, feelings, and experiences poured from the deepest recesses of my mind onto paper or screen, may somehow encourage you to learn, think, and maybe even help you the reader in some way that you need.

A brain story.

Last August (2022) I was on a beautiful beach surrounded by beautiful people and family – but inside my mind I was at my wit’s end wallowing in a deep, dark, pit of aching despair, depression, and anxiety.

Over the next few months I continued to have mild to what I would call severe anxiety attacks, there was no trigger, no reason, they just hit me randomly and out of the blue.

During this time I also began to feel disconnected from reality, from other humans, from life. I felt like I was an autonomous drone just roboting my way through life. My temper became shorter, my focus was gone, my drive and inspiration to create and educate – gone. Often when I had an attack my mind would just drift away into a bizarre zone of out of focus fog and heaviness, while at the same time my feet would feel heavy, or itchy – my hands and arms would tingle and my mojo was also just – gone. I had gone through a bout of COVID-19 in June of 2022 so I wondered if this was a form of “long covid” so many spoke of.

A few weeks later I decided to do something about it.

I went to see my doctor and had many tests to make sure none of my physical components were in an off-nominal state – while there were a couple of vitamin deficiencies that were easily corrected – there was not anything seriously physically out of order with my meat-robot body.

Then, I discovered I had severe sleep apnea and started on a CPAP device – and many of the most severe physical symptoms went away. With better sleep, I felt better…but the anxiety, depression, lack of focus and drive continued. I was at a loss.
So I started seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist and she and I talked through my life and issues and I realized that my trauma – all the years of being horribly bullied in school simply because i was a geeky little nerd who loved animals and science – and all the years of keeping my feelings and emotions bottled up inside – and all the years of not being able to come to terms and accept why so many people choose to hate others because they are not like them – all the years of not understanding why so many people choose greed, money, power, and control over taking care of other humans, animals, and their environmental life support system – all the years of being on high alert, being hyper-sensitive, hyper-vigilant – all the years of not accepting myself for who I am and what I have to offer others…all these things have weighed heavily on me and actually harmed me, physically, mentally, chemically, and emotionally.
Then, about 3 months ago my doctor did several tests to rule out other possible factors that could be impacting my mind and he discovered that I had a genetic marker for gluten sensitivity- so I am now gluten free. It has helped but sometimes it is hard to find forage.
The next test revealed that I had a neurotransmitter imbalance – so the doc started me on an anti-depressant.
Since I dropped the gluten and started the Cymbalta it is like I am my old self again.
Yes, the Cymbalta does have some odd side effects, but I’ll take them over the crushing anxiety and depression any day.

If you are experiencing similar symptoms then I encourage you to get a thorough physical exam and speak to a therapist – if it worked for me, it may work for you.
It was a long process to begin to find myself again – but it was so worth it. I am on the path to healing and it was science, technology, chemistry, and talk therapy that led me here. Maybe it will help you as well.
Also, take some time to spend some time in nature, it has always helped me.

I started a new audio book yesterday called “The body keeps the score” and, while i am only a few chapters in, it is speaking to me like no other piece of literature has since Carl Sagan’s Cosmos in the 1980’s. Maybe you should consider reading it as well.
Take care of yourself.
The world needs you.

One Love.

Peace

IDIC