A huge pet peeve of mine is tailgaters. People who choose to drive inches off your back bumper endangering themselves, other passengers in their car, and everyone around them.

I am fully aware that many of these folks are just regular people who are late for school, work, a D&D game…whatever. To these people I offer up some advice: just leave earlier. It is just common sense.

Some tailgaters are just not aware they are doing it. Their minds are elsewhere – oblivious to what is going on around them. They may be distracted by their technology or someone else in the car, maybe they are putting on makeup or reading – yes, this is a thing! Yikes – driving is an activity that requires intense focus and awareness. If you fall into this category – then you should get some help or not be driving.

However, some of these folks are impatient, know-it-all-always-in-a-hurry-to-get-nowhere-fast teens and 20 something’s who still believe they are the center of the cosmos, and totally invincible. Here’s some reality – don’t be a dumbass and you are not in any way invincible.

Some may be slick-suited business-types in their high-end sports cars and Caddilacs with over-inflated egos, expensive chips on their shoulders, and a desire to own the road and everything else. Grow up, back off, and have some respect oh, and BTW, you are not better or more important than anyone else – you are just another self-absorbed mostly naked bipedal ape with delusions of grandeur.

Some of these individuals may be speed junkies and/or “muscle car” drivers perpetually stuck in the Daytona 500 or some other race to get nowhere fast. Grow up and back off Speedracer – the road is not the track so go find a track and rent some time and drive as fast as you like.

Some may just be trying to read my bumper stickers – and if that is the case – maybe they need glasses and/or I need to remove the stickers.

And now for the not-so-regular people and their “reasons” for driving like they do.

It seems that some folks may not like my choice of vehicle or its fuel source and may even be offended or somehow threatened by my choices. Yes, oddly – this is a thing. But here’s another thing: I may not like your choice of vehicle or its fuel source and I may even be offended (with actual peer-reviewed evidence supporting my reasons to be offended) by your choices – but I’m not ever in any way going to endanger your life, my life, or the lives of others by driving like a total dumbass. I will, however, write about your lame vehicle choice and knuckle-dragging dumbass attitude in my blog. Yes, this is a free country but you are not free to freely endanger others with your dumbass attitude and garishly over-modified vehicle. Grow up and back off.

I am mostly convinced that a significant portion of the people who aggressively drive inches off your back bumper drive trucks. Not everyday utilitarian-type farm, work, professional, or delivery trucks – but the stupidly huge, jacked-up, oversized, pickup trucks that have names like “Super,” “Power,” “Raptor” and/or “Cummings” etched in huge letters across their paint maybe as a way to either make their drivers feel somehow more special or powerful and/or to intimidate those around them. These tailgating trucks often come with high-intensity headlights and other oversized auxiliary lighting systems amounting to billions of waisted candlepower of “fog lights” on their light-encrusted roll bars – all on “high beam” melting the paint off your car while their overly modified power-thrust-deep-throat-diesel engine growls so loud that it may soon suffer a rapid unscheduled disassembly – but not before it’s grossly oversized-must-be-compensating-for-something exhaust pipe vomits copious clouds of foul-smelling thick, black, toxically flatulent, particulate-rich, life-killing, effluent into the atmosphere we all share as they speed by you at 20 miles over the limit in a blind curve on a double yellow line in the fog at dawn or dusk while their driver is gesticulating visual and vocal profanities in your general direction when their hands should be on the wheel and eyes and brains should be on the roads…it is these tailgaters who really chap my hide.

Humorous and yet often scarily and accurately applicable over exaggerations aside – I am mostly convinced that these dangerously misdirected, toxically hormonal, most often young male, individuals driving these garishly loud, overly-modified, extra-large, toy pickup trucks are nothing more than the insecure, insult spouting, pushing, and shoving red-faced little bullies from the elementary school lunch line and playground who have grown up physically but not in any way mentally. Is it possible that they have taken the big-wheeled plastic toy trucks (remember Bigfoot and Stompers?) they played with as a kid in the sandbox and they have made them a reality? Did they do this because their fathers did it? Is it the only reality they know, understand, or choose to accept. Did they choose to stop learning when high school ended and refuse to learn anything more even when it is freely available to them? Are their tiny brains are stuck in their tribally-locked past, mired up in the mud pit of the toxically competitive mentality of their youth but now so copiously soaked in testosterone that they have become a very dangerous drooling wild animal thing that sees everything in life as a personal attack on their manhood and/or a competition for dominance over others. I do not know the answers but what I do know is these individuals are dangerous and should not be on the roads. Anyone who chooses to use their vehicle and emotions as a weapon is an endangerment to everyone around them. (Read another of my blog posts on my EV blog –Stuck Fast in the Past – which goes even deeper into this as well as a closely related/connected topic: people with large trucks who intentionally block electric vehicle charging stations.)

Whoever you are and whatever the reason you feel the need to ride inches off my bumper remember this: I am driving the speed limit because I follow the rules. I am a safe driver. I care about the safety of others around me including your lame, hairy, knuckle-dragging, apelike, arse, and I left early so I’m enjoying my drive…well, I was until you started trying to drive your vehicle up my rear!

Tailgating for whatever your lame-ass reason makes the roads more dangerous for everyone and it makes you look like a childish, ignorant little bully.

Cars are people transporters for moving people around, and trucks are utility vehicles meant to be used for utilitarian reasons, they are not extensions of your manhood, political statements, weapons, or bully transporters. Sure, it is fine to personalize your vehicle – but do it and drive it in such a way that it is not attacking, insulting, frightening, or endangering other drivers.

Grow up people.
Grow some respect.
Grow some consideration.
Don’t be a small-minded bully.
And if any of this enrages you – then maybe you should consider getting yourself castrated for the good of all the rest of us.